Currently…

Rumors are that the board exams will be next month, which gives me little time to prepare. I don’t remember what I studied and I feel like I’m back on square 1. I find it hard to get back on track. I don’t think I can finish any of the handouts on time and I am freaking out.

Board Review Slump

The Physician Licensure Exam was cancelled for NCR and Tuguegarao City. It was supposed to be on September 11-12 and 18-19, 2021. Until now, no new dates have been announced. Other testing sites have finished while we are stuck in a limbo. Pretty soon, the list of passers would be released and we won’t be able to join in on the celebrations. I hope the PRC announces the final plan ahead of time, and not just announce it less than 48 hours before the exam (which is what happened when the cancellation/postponement was announced). I don’t want to be left hanging. The future is uncertain and I don’t know how to deal with this.

Anyway, after the announcement that the NCR exam was cancelled, I haven’t been studying. I should be, though, but it has been so hard to get back on track. I have tried and failed dozens of times. It is so hard to concentrate and I am easily distracted. I hope they announce the final dates soon so I’d be forced to study. Not knowing the dates of the exam is making me slack off. I hope I get over this slump soon and get back to studying.

Death is bittersweet.

Just thought about Lorenzo after drinking Alprazolam. Drank it to calm my nerves about the upcoming board exams. Anyway, I hope he’s in a better place now.

Endings

After 8 years, I’m finally done with PGH. Well, pending requirements. But internship is done and I am glad I finished it. I never thought I’d make it this far. Every day, I was filled with dread and self-doubt. I did not enjoy what I was doing, and coupled with the toxicity of working in PGH, it was really hard to continue showing up. Some days I failed, but I went back. Whenever I fell down, I’d rest for a while then get back up again. I’m proud of myself for finishing internship and for surviving PGH. It was not easy. I don’t even know how I managed to finish, but here I am. My medical education has ended. My PGH rotations have ended. Now, onwards to new things and beginnings.

Reaching Out

I try to drown out the voices of my demons by talking to other people. Sometimes, it works. Other times, it doesn’t. I take my chances every time.

I’ve never been a friendly person. Growing up, I always kept to myself. I bottled up all my thoughts and emotions inside of me. Maybe that’s why they now consume my being.

Later on, I realized that talking to people eased my burden. I still found it hard to reach out to others, but when the heaviness gets too hard to bear, I’m forced to do just that.

I’m thankful for the people who listen to me. I’m thankful for those who’ve stayed in my life as my friends. Because of that, I’ve tried to share the good they’ve shown me. I try to reach out and lend an ear. I hope I’m doing enough to make the world a better place.

Sign of the times

Whenever I’m having a hard time, I feel like time moves at such a slow pace. I will it to be faster, just so I’d be over it. The sooner I overcome difficulties, the better.

Which is why I can hardly believe I’ve already spent 8 years here in Manila. I can’t fully grasp the concept of having spent my last teenage years and early 20s working my ass off but with nothing to show for it.

Time is relative. It can both be slow and fast at the same time. You never even know when a moment ends and when another one begins. They just blend into one another.

How, then, can you make each moment count? How can a moment be special when all of them are?