Two nights ago, I had two dreams-and they both creeped me out so bad I was hyperventilating when I woke up. Now, two days after, I only have the vaguest sense of what really transpired in my mind that time, I can type out a very weird and nonsense account of it. Though I can’t remember most of the dreams, I’m still left with this sense of dread, so I’m actually scared of what happened during those dreams. Ugh. Anyway, here goes nothing.
I got out of a building and it was really cold. It was night time, and the light emanating from the buildings gave a soft feel and added to the holiday atmosphere. Oh, I still haven’t mentioned it yet: it was snowing.
I was walking and the next thing I know (or only remembered), I was approaching someone already.
Lo and behold, it was Kuya Marvin! His face was like an angel’s (like lang? more like an angel’s talaga!) and when he smiled at me, oh, my actual present self could have melted! But no, my dream self kept her cool and resumed her regal walk towards him, as if not minding that oh god amazing smile (so sassy, dream self!). I (my dream self) said hi, or something in line with that (it was so sassy, I swear; it’s a shame I couldn’t remember it!). And then I talked some more (damn girl, so chatty) and I took his hand, like I was used to doing that. Before, however, I could reach his hand, I immediately withdrew my hand and let it fall back to my side. I squeaked out the word “sorry” and looked down. But then he extended his hand, and when I gazed up, I saw him smile. It was a smile of regret and sorrow, and one can plainly see that the expression you held on your face indicated your heart was breaking. And at that moment, my heart broke for you, too.
I got your hand and you led me somewhere. A few moments later, I laughed about something (the laugh sounded musical; very foreign to my ears and very unlike my laugh), but you simply smiled in response. Again, what I did was tactless, and I knew it. I apologized, saying what I did was something out of habit. You replied, of course. You forgave me, again. And both our hearts broke a little bit more.
Now, that is disturbing. Not ‘disturbing’, but weirdly disturbing. See, I never dream about my crushes (even though I pray I could). Also, my dreams almost always come true, which is why I’m afraid of dreaming. So when I had that dream, I was shocked. Tapos to think naging kami pala? And I broke up with him?! First of all… How dare I? Second, wtf? How? (The questions look like they’re the same but they are not. Trust me.) I just hope I can trust my future self’s decisions. I hope I’ll be happy.
Now this is where it gets fuzzy because I forgot it all, haha. I just remember talking to Sterling. Specifically, Sterling was yelling at me or scolding me, and later he was actually trashtalking me!!! Like, what the actual fuck?
1. Sterling cusses? WHAT?! Because last time I checked, he was being his ‘good boy’ self who could not do any wrong (and certainly not say profanities)
2. Sterling and I are not close. Really. He’s the last person in the class I’d approach or talk to, and I’d certainly make friends with strangers than talk to him. Nothing’s wrong with him, or with me. I just feel like we’re very awkward towards each other, and I don’t really need to talk to him, so why?
3. Why is he in my dreams? This is beyond strange. I haven’t been thinking of him, so does this mean he’s in my future? How? Why?
4. Why was he trashtalking me? What did I do that was so horrible that THE Sterling Tiu was hurling every cuss word he knew to me? I hope it wasn’t about Gan or Darren, but I’m afraid it’s the most logical thing I could think of. Was I that much of a bitch to wreck them two? To destroy their relationship? But maybe it was for the best… Hay. I couldn’t say for sure, of course. But really, them two… it’s just so wrong. Everything’s wrong and messed up. But I’m too tired right now and my brain can’t handle that extreme of a stress level. I’ll talk about them two some other time.
Now I’ve stayed up all night, right before the opening of classes after the holiday break. I’ve got tons of assignments to do, and my brain’s not working right because it craves for sleep it has gotten used to over the break. Just great.