Earlier (technically, yesterday afternoon), I was supposed to tell you I have to stop being friends with you, and I shouldn’t go out with you any more, and that I’m ending this twisted friendship we have to free us from the chains that bind us.
Clearly, that is not what happened, so here I am, ranting.
Being the sex-crazed animal you are, you got close to me (again), and just basically pushed your pulsating groin against me the whole time. Which shouldn’t be done by friends. Which shouldn’t have been done in the first place. Clearly, you are disillusioned.
Okay, now my excuses: first off, I only agreed to go to your condo unit (again) because I really did want to set things straight and do stuff there that would hopefully erase or just overwrite the things that have happened there in the past. I actually wanted to talk to you nang masinsinan, and break off clean, but your were horny as always and nothing went as plan.
Why can’t I refuse you? We both know what we’re doing is wrong, and it makes me sick whenever I remember you telling me I’m like your sister while you were pressing hour hardened dick against me. Which is downright right. Because really, unless you’re a sick psycho, why would you do that to your sister? Can you imagine doing that to your sister? No? Then what were you doing to me?
I try hard to remember my train of thought when I come up with logical reasons why we shouldn’t be friends anymore, but nothing ever sticks, and I’m not fast enough to record the words or my ideas. Quite disappointing.
And because I’m a self-harming jerk, I’ll try to come up with crappy excuses until I remember the viable ones to use in my defense of ending this relationship.
-my negative self-image (every time you look at me up close, I look away)
-every time you tease me about being fat, short, small, or even calling me cute decimates my already almost nonexistent self-esteem
-I’m broken. I get low test scores because my mind is always wandering. My mind is wandering because I want it to. For years I’ve wanted to get away, run away, escape, but I never had the guts to. My reality has never been a fairytale story, and there are more dips than rising-ups, and more bad than good. If I concentrate too much, I’m afraid the real world will overwhelm me, and I will crumble down in no time. This is my way of coping, so here I still am. I am not happy with my life right now, and I am not happy with how my lofe turned out to be, and in case I spiral down further into oblivion, I wouldn’t want to drag you down with me.
-I’m afraid that if I continue being friends with you, I’ll suck out the remaining happiness you keep within. You’ll learn to absorb my self-negativity, and I don’t want you any sadder than you already are. If I remain with you, I would influence you, and that influence will never be good. This is for your own preservation.
-also, my mind is filled with filthy thoughts, ugly things you won’t want to know. It is filled with hatred and negativity. I would never want you to experience that. I would never wish my life, or mind, or heart on anyone, because that would be such a misfortune. My mind runs away from me, because I am disgusting and nasty, and I am filled with nothing beautiful. Darkness and dirt reek from me, and I dissipate whatever light that tries to reach out to me. I don’t want you to be in such a dirty and dark place.
-I live in a world of my own. It is dysfunctional and fragile, like myself. Maybe you won’t be able to handle it. Maybe we’re just different people and we can’t fit in each other’s lives. And okay, I admit, you might really not care. Bottomline is, maybe you’d be better without me. You’d be happier. And though personally I don’t really like you, I’ve got enough heart to yearn for others to be happy, if I can never get the happiness for myself.