The other day I read this story and it just hit me, hey, that’s me! That was how I felt. Not exactly, in retrospect, but it would do. It was a pretty good article, kudos to the writer.
Of course, being the impulsive person that I am, I let Darren know about the article, and my thoughts about it. I was basically telling him how I felt about him, about this relationship, and about this whole thing we have. I was scared, but excited, and add 99+ more minor feelings, all jumbled up in my stomach, because hey, FINALLY he was going to figure it out. Finally, he’ll get me.
However, he didn’t.
It just sucks, you know? I banked up on it, and now it feels like the rug has been pulled from under me and I slipped and I’m just lost. I shouldn’t have assumed that he’d get it, because he never does.
He replied with, “oooh, who did you almost date?” He was intrigued, and dammit, why does HE NOT HAVE A CLUE?! I read his reply and I was just stumped. I didn’t know what to say. Was he that clueless? Stupid? I mean really, it was all about him, or did he forget about everything that happened between us?
Okay. The article told us of a solution to this kind of relationship; the only remedy was to let go. Sure, it was hard (!!!), and the people involved are too comfortable to be bothered already (I mean really, they’re used to what they have, who they are, and with the relationship- so what’s there to change?).
The thing is, I already tried letting go (of him, and thus the relationship we had/have). He begged me to stay- really, he cried outside my then dormitory. It was embarrassing for the both of us. He looked so pitiful I couldn’t say no. Now I’m back to square one.
Here’s a basic background description: I met Darren at the dentist’s office. It was our physical exam day as incoming freshmen medical students. We weren’t blockmates, but we became close because he flirted with me on Twitter. I let him flirt. We then became textmates, and I was like his dirty secret everyone knew about. He didn’t want to be seen in public with me, he didn’t want my name to be associated with his name, but he would always ask me how I’ve been doing. Through text, of course.
Here and there, he’d show me random acts of kindness: tell his driver to bring me home when it was raining and Manila was flooding, put a BandAid on a self-inflicted wound, occasionally saying hi to me when I arrived at the classroom. These were the things that kept me going. I knew the case was hopeless, but I hoped anyway. That turned out to be a very fatal mistake.
Come summer sem, the blockings got shuffled because there would be three sections, not two, for the stat lab classes. We became blockmates. And you know what happens when the climate’s hot and the long overdue summer vacation doesn’t happen because there are required classes: the students get antsy and find ways to let off the heat.
Which was what happened.
We became quite physical (not the fights kind) in his condo unit, which partly started because we wanted to go somewhere cooler that certain day, and his unit has AC.
The friends-with-benefits thing was the last straw. I don’t like being in that kind of situation, and I just felt used and trapped. I don’t mind having a little bit of fun, just as long as it is within my bounds of morality and I’m free to go whenever I pleased, which I couldn’t do, in this case, because we were becoming close friends (his friends didn’t know because he didn’t want them to know about us; he was very secretive of me, like I was something to be ashamed of).
That was why I wanted it to end. I wanted for us to return to who we once were: batchmates and nothing more. But because you were a bubbling mess, I couldn’t do it. Now look where we are now. You tell me we could change the relationship we have, but we can’t, you see, because it is already there. Things already happened between us, and we can’t change that. we’ve changed, and trying to pretend like there’s nothing wrong is going to lead us to destruction. Yes, we’ll try to change, but it will always be there, and pretty soon we’ll go back to how things were because we’re used to having things like that.
I figured I could give him time and space this summer, but he just dropped a news bomb on me, something I couldn’t ignore, and now I’m stuck and hopeless as ever. I don’t know what to do. The news has hit him pretty bad (it’s about family affairs), and he’s too vulnerable and sad right now. I can’t leave him now; he says I’m all I have, and silly me for believing him, but now I am directly involved in this mess and I can’t get out. I can’t break free.
I also watched a movie earlier, That Awkward Moment When starring Zac Efron, among others, and one of the things the movie wanted to point out struck a nerve. “Whatever relationship you’re in, you should be there for the person.” Sigh. Whether we were just friends, or even classmates, and nothing more, he needed me right now, and I shouldn’t leave him, otherwise I’d become more of an asshole than I already am. I shouldn’t always think about myself, and think more of others, because they’re living and suffering and dying too, you know?
And because he needs me, I don’t know how to get out of this situation. I’m torn. And clueless, as ever.