Tumakas na naman ako.
It is a Tuesday at nandito na naman ako sa Katipunan. Umalis ako kahit kailangan nila ako doon. Ayoko na doon, mostly because of my father. ‘Di ko kasi gets bakit andito pa siya. Feeling ko nga ‘di na siya aalis. Ang gulo na sa condo. Ang gulo na ng buhay ko.
Sobrang lost ko na. Ampangit sa feeling, pero at the same time, wala akong narararamdaman. I feel so defeated. Wala nang saysay buhay ko. Noon pa naman eh. Pero pagkatapos noong failed suicide attempt ko last year, sinabihan akong kumapit sa Diyos at mag-try ulit. Kaya heto, ginagawa ko. Iniisip ko pa nga noon, ano ba? Ba’t nagising pa ako? Kahit man lang sa pagpapakamatay, palpak ako? But I digress.
Ngayong tapos na ang school year at summer na sa UP, wala nang classes to distract myself with. Kailangan ko na rin kumain with the family, which means kailangan kong makita tatay ko. Ayoko doon. The first two times I ate there, sumakit talaga tiyan ko.
I really hope umayos na pamilya namin. What did we do to deserve this? We always try our best even when the odds are stacked against us. Ganoon na lang parati. Pwede ba, maiba naman? Pagod na kami. Please lang.
‘Di ko na talaga alam ano gagawin sa buhay ko. Haaay.
For the longest time, I have been a fan of KFC’s mushroom soup. I only like the soup and brownie there, because I personally think the chicken is too dry. It feels like a sacrifice whenever I eat there, but I have to do it for my mushroom soup cravings.
McDonald’s released new food items and I just had to roll my eyes because their new products were all rip-offs from Jollibee and KFC. This included their new mushroom soup. Because I was disappointed at what they did, I only relented to eating there yesterday. Of course, I had to try the new soup offering. Unlike KFC’s soup, McDo’s was lighter and had cut green leaves (see picture below). It tasted different. Not bad, just different. I expected it to taste like KFC’s, but it wasn’t the case. I guess I don’t hate it after all.
(Photo grabbed from McDo Philippines’ promotional pictures)
It’s rainy season again in the Philippines.
There was rain the past two days, which means La Niña is coming. The country’s weather is still stuck between the two seasons, and everything is awkwardly horrible. It’s still very hot, usually reaching 36 or 37 degrees Celsius, but there would be random drops of rain and small puddles everywhere. I hope La Niña will not be that bad; I have places to go to and without a car, torrential downpours and street floods will ruin plans.
When the tears have been dried and the voices have been silenced.
When there are no airplanes to catch in between my fingers.
When only the still lights greet me.
When the urges have been calmed and I no longer yearn to open the balcony door.
When there is only silence to keep me company.
My solace between the perfunctory and the chaos.
My refuge from the shouts and the battles outside and in.
When the demons have been kept at bay
Before I sleep and fight new monsters in another world, I cherish this moment.
How I long for it in the long days and the long nights.
I hate that I can’t write anymore. I hate that I’m a mediocre human being.