Madali lang mag-move on

Tama ka, David. Mahirap ngang mag-move on. Sa rami na ng ginawa ko, inatupag, inaatupag, at aatupagin ko, ang rami ko pa ring hindi makalimutan. Ang rami ko pa ring binabalik-balikan – gustuhin ko man o hindi.

Tama ka, at isa ako sa mga taong ang hirap humarap sa ngayon at bukas. Palagi akong nakatalikod, tinitingnan ang nakaraan. Nakatira ako sa nakaraan.

Tama ka, ngunit kailangan kong sabihin sa’yong madali lang para makumbinsi ko sarili ko na kaya ko ‘to at oo, madali lang siya. Kailangan ko sabihin ang mga katagang iyon para marinig ng kalawakan at sana ay makarating sa puso, isipan, at kaluluwa kong durog. Oo, kasinungalingan, pero ito ang unang hakbang ko para mag-move on. At baka lang naman, balang araw, magiging totoo nga ang sinabi ko.

Hinihintay ko pa rin ang araw na iyon.

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4 years later and still no better

I’ve been out of my funk all the years I’ve studied in med school. Walang gana since LU1. I’m scared because this is a huge no-no in med school. Sooner or later, I’ll be forced to change my attitude or get flunked. I don’t want to fail, but I really don’t feel the joy in studying all these concepts. At first I thought it was burn out, but I don’t think burn out lasts this long. I just want to graduate and have a good life. Why can’t I feel anything?

Lakbayani

Filipinos are opinionated, and I think this is mostly a good thing. We are decisive and know what we believe in. In this age of social media, the Philippines is said to be the number one country active on social media, with the most number of Facebook users. Filipinos are also feisty, morphing our land into a nation of keyboard warriors. It started during the campaign period of the national elections, and up until now, the comments sections of national media posts are so toxic I always get toxic whenever I read them.

The general trend of the comments states that articles nowadays are published just to discredit how great the newly-elected President is. These keyboard warriors find ways to convolute the stories to fit into their theory that the media is just out to get the President. Sadly, most of the commenters (and Filipino Facebook users) are like (or really are) these warriors. They attack anyone who doesn’t believe in them, so people often clash in the comments sections. Everyone is hard-headed and believes their opinion is always right, regardless of the evidence presented. People would just say that the evidence is fake and is just a ruse to smear the President’s name.

One of the latest issues that has people simmering left and right is the Lakbayani – PNP clash at the US Embassy. The cultural minority has been travelling to Manila every year for people, especially the government, to hear their pleas and help them protect and defend their land. They were holding a protest in front of the US Embassy when a scuffle arose and the officers and katutubos+other protesters clashed, hitting each other. A police officer, PO3 Kho, rode a PNP vehicle and ran over some of the protesters. A lot sustained injuries. Police officers were also pictured pulling the hairs of the katutubos. Naturally, once the pictures and videos reached social media, people reacted – a lot.

First off, why would someone in their right mind run people over? That is a violation of human rights. Of course, keyboard warriors defended the actions of the PNP, even saying they should’ve killed the katutubos. Why? It is the right of the people to hold protest. They weren’t even being violent. Mayhem broke loose when the commander ordered the police to hurt the people and drive them back. He denied this when he released a statement, but he was caught shouting orders in a video. People said that the minorities were rude and started the fight because they held the protest in the first place, but people fail to see WHY they even protested. Why would they go all the way here, waste money and time, just to harass the police? They wouldn’t have come here if they had a choice. Staying home to farm and earn money is the way to go. However, US mining companies and soldiers are destroying the lands they live in, and no one is batting an eye, so they had to take action. They had to make people notice them so their problems would go away. Their lives and livelihoods are in danger, and this is why they had been protesting. It’s sad that they have been doing this since 2006 (?) but the mining companies are still there, siphoning money from the minorities and destroying the Philippines’ natural resources.

The police wouldn’t have sustained injuries if they didn’t harass the minorities in the first place. And why are people not focusing on the minorities? They sustained far more serious injuries, and some of them are confined up until now. Why do the police think they’re higher than the minorities, that they deserve to be treated with more respect than the people they hurt? They are not. Pantay-pantay tayo. They should be punished to the full extent of law, because they violated human rights.

I am so pissed at the keyboard warriors, including diehard supporters, because they fail to grasp that the katutubos are one of us. They blame and hate on their fellow countrymen. They don’t even bother researching. Imagine having your land snatched away from you, and you living under the constant fear of soldiers shooting you and your family dead even though it was your land? People need to reevaluate their values and morals if they think it is okay to run over people. People think so highly of themselves and so low of everyone else.

This country will not truly flourish until we get rid of our crab mentality. I hate that it is so ingrained in our mentality that we see this as a norm and we see no harm in this.

Barfing and Impulsive Decisions

I can’t see straight.

I decided to get drunk alone on a Saturday night. I’m either a loner or I don’t have enough friends- forcing me to do this alone.

This weekend is an intermodule weekend, which means I don’t have any exams next week. Considering I’m a med student, these weekends when I don’t have to do anything are rare. They’d be rarer as I go up the ladder of med school hierarchy.

Anyway, I thought it would be such a good idea to drink myself dizzy considering it’s an intermodule weekend after all. I won’t have to feel guilty not studying (not that I study when there’s a nearing exam, but more of that in a different post).

I went to a newly opened gastrobar near my school and ordered a whole bottle of a customized cocktail drink. However, when the bottle arrived, it became apparent that this was to be shared, as a group. I couldn’t handle drinking all of it alone. I texted all of my friends (amounting to two), but they were both busy. I sighed and started drinking while reading a novel (which I bought on a whim five minutes before closing time last night).

I downed everything, but the world was already spinning and my throat tasted like 70% ethyl alcohol (I have tasted, albeit accidentally, this ethyl alcohol we use to disinfect our hands with). I wasn’t even sure I could stand, much less walk. I waited for a couple of minutes, but my head did not get any better.

Doing shit impulsively stemmed from my boyfriend and I’s apparent breakup yesterday. I’m not even sure if we are officiallyover, but I wanted to do “strong, independent woman” acts just in case. Plus this was the only weekend I had free in the near future.

Thank heavens that my condo building’s just near the campus so I didn’t have to take public transpo. I would’ve barfed inside a jeep the minute it started moving. I was afraid I’d walk in a zigzag-like fashion, so I was hesitant to cross the roads, but surprisingly, I walked kinda straight lines. Straighter than how sober Abby would’ve walked, in fact. People may have smelled the alcohol reeking off my clothes, which made them avoid me. It made me feel better, though. People avoiding me, I mean. I am so weird.

I was hoping Eon (my roommate) would still be there in case I collapsed in front of our door. I saw her just sitting there before I left. Alas, when I successfully unlocked the door after several drunken attempts, she was not inside. I tried drinking some water so I won’t get a hangover, but I vomited. The sink is full of unwashed dishes.

I only smelled the remnants of instant noodles.

When I got in, I also heard the distant going off of fireworks in SM Mall of Asia. I guess it’s the pyrotechnics competition again.

Now I’m in bed and safe, though drunk and lightheaded.

As I’m drifting off to sleep, I realize:

My armpits still smell bad.

Jumbled

They say that hitting rock bottom is a good thing, because you cannot go anywhere but up.

Why am I still here, then?

People may think I have it better, and in a lot of perspectives, I am. It’s just hard when I a me and I see everyone’s glory and trying-agains and phoenix-like glory, rising from the ashes.

I have been reduced to ashes ever since I was a child. I still see no improvement.

I have tried my best to face life head on, to try to make the best out of every situation, but nothing has changed. I am still here.

Over the years, life has not gazed on me so positively. Nineteen years later, here I am – pessimistic, rash, bitter, and getting less intelligent by the second.

I am what circumstances have made me. I am sad for myself and sad for how my life is going. It is hard to get my life together when everything is going against me. Life is fair in that it is unfair to everyone. I just got dealt some sad cards.

30 April 2016

Today, I circumcised a child for the first time.

Circumcision is a common practice here in the Philippines because of our culture. Hindi ka raw magiging binata kung hindi ka pa nagpapatuli.

Every summer, a lot of tuli missions are held by organizations across the Philippines. There’s no class so the participants won’t have to be excused from classes after this minor surgery. Why do people do it? Organizations’ reason: service. Participants’ reason: free tuli. Win-win.

An organization I’m in, MSS, has been holding a tuli mission in Barangay Sauyo, QC for 5 years now. This is my first time to join because it coincides with my school year (and not summer vacation) so I don’t have to go home to the province. I didn’t realize I was scared until I was there. After shadowing someone, I had to do it by myself. Boy, was I shaking. I felt clumsy and uncoordinated; like I didn’t know what to do. There was a lot of crying heard because the event was held in a covered court so everyone’s just lying there side by side. I felt bad afterwards because I believe my patients should always get the best of what I have to offer. I ask myself, is that the best I can give? Shaky hands and jumbled words for instructions?

The experience has made me think why I’m here studying medicine in the first place. It makes me think if I really have what it takes to be a doctor. I don’t like the uncertainty I can offer myself as the answer.

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FOR THE UNDERSERVED.