4 years later and still no better

I’ve been out of my funk all the years I’ve studied in med school. Walang gana since LU1. I’m scared because this is a huge no-no in med school. Sooner or later, I’ll be forced to change my attitude or get flunked. I don’t want to fail, but I really don’t feel the joy in studying all these concepts. At first I thought it was burn out, but I don’t think burn out lasts this long. I just want to graduate and have a good life. Why can’t I feel anything?

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Lakbayani

Filipinos are opinionated, and I think this is mostly a good thing. We are decisive and know what we believe in. In this age of social media, the Philippines is said to be the number one country active on social media, with the most number of Facebook users. Filipinos are also feisty, morphing our land into a nation of keyboard warriors. It started during the campaign period of the national elections, and up until now, the comments sections of national media posts are so toxic I always get toxic whenever I read them.

The general trend of the comments states that articles nowadays are published just to discredit how great the newly-elected President is. These keyboard warriors find ways to convolute the stories to fit into their theory that the media is just out to get the President. Sadly, most of the commenters (and Filipino Facebook users) are like (or really are) these warriors. They attack anyone who doesn’t believe in them, so people often clash in the comments sections. Everyone is hard-headed and believes their opinion is always right, regardless of the evidence presented. People would just say that the evidence is fake and is just a ruse to smear the President’s name.

One of the latest issues that has people simmering left and right is the Lakbayani – PNP clash at the US Embassy. The cultural minority has been travelling to Manila every year for people, especially the government, to hear their pleas and help them protect and defend their land. They were holding a protest in front of the US Embassy when a scuffle arose and the officers and katutubos+other protesters clashed, hitting each other. A police officer, PO3 Kho, rode a PNP vehicle and ran over some of the protesters. A lot sustained injuries. Police officers were also pictured pulling the hairs of the katutubos. Naturally, once the pictures and videos reached social media, people reacted – a lot.

First off, why would someone in their right mind run people over? That is a violation of human rights. Of course, keyboard warriors defended the actions of the PNP, even saying they should’ve killed the katutubos. Why? It is the right of the people to hold protest. They weren’t even being violent. Mayhem broke loose when the commander ordered the police to hurt the people and drive them back. He denied this when he released a statement, but he was caught shouting orders in a video. People said that the minorities were rude and started the fight because they held the protest in the first place, but people fail to see WHY they even protested. Why would they go all the way here, waste money and time, just to harass the police? They wouldn’t have come here if they had a choice. Staying home to farm and earn money is the way to go. However, US mining companies and soldiers are destroying the lands they live in, and no one is batting an eye, so they had to take action. They had to make people notice them so their problems would go away. Their lives and livelihoods are in danger, and this is why they had been protesting. It’s sad that they have been doing this since 2006 (?) but the mining companies are still there, siphoning money from the minorities and destroying the Philippines’ natural resources.

The police wouldn’t have sustained injuries if they didn’t harass the minorities in the first place. And why are people not focusing on the minorities? They sustained far more serious injuries, and some of them are confined up until now. Why do the police think they’re higher than the minorities, that they deserve to be treated with more respect than the people they hurt? They are not. Pantay-pantay tayo. They should be punished to the full extent of law, because they violated human rights.

I am so pissed at the keyboard warriors, including diehard supporters, because they fail to grasp that the katutubos are one of us. They blame and hate on their fellow countrymen. They don’t even bother researching. Imagine having your land snatched away from you, and you living under the constant fear of soldiers shooting you and your family dead even though it was your land? People need to reevaluate their values and morals if they think it is okay to run over people. People think so highly of themselves and so low of everyone else.

This country will not truly flourish until we get rid of our crab mentality. I hate that it is so ingrained in our mentality that we see this as a norm and we see no harm in this.

The Darren Affair

The other day I read this story and it just hit me, hey, that’s me! That was how I felt. Not exactly, in retrospect, but it would do. It was a pretty good article, kudos to the writer.

Of course, being the impulsive person that I am, I let Darren know about the article, and my thoughts about it. I was basically telling him how I felt about him, about this relationship, and about this whole thing we have. I was scared, but excited, and add 99+ more minor feelings, all jumbled up in my stomach, because hey, FINALLY he was going to figure it out. Finally, he’ll get me.

However, he didn’t.

It just sucks, you know? I banked up on it, and now it feels like the rug has been pulled from under me and I slipped and I’m just lost. I shouldn’t have assumed that he’d get it, because he never does.

He replied with, “oooh, who did you almost date?” He was intrigued, and dammit, why does HE NOT HAVE A CLUE?! I read his reply and I was just stumped. I didn’t know what to say. Was he that clueless? Stupid? I mean really, it was all about him, or did he forget about everything that happened between us?

Okay. The article told us of a solution to this kind of relationship; the only remedy was to let go. Sure, it was hard (!!!), and the people involved are too comfortable to be bothered already (I mean really, they’re used to what they have, who they are, and with the relationship- so what’s there to change?).

The thing is, I already tried letting go (of him, and thus the relationship we had/have). He begged me to stay- really, he cried outside my then dormitory. It was embarrassing for the both of us. He looked so pitiful I couldn’t say no. Now I’m back to square one.

Here’s a basic background description: I met Darren at the dentist’s office. It was our physical exam day as incoming freshmen medical students. We weren’t blockmates, but we became close because he flirted with me on Twitter. I let him flirt. We then became textmates, and I was like his dirty secret everyone knew about. He didn’t want to be seen in public with me, he didn’t want my name to be associated with his name, but he would always ask me how I’ve been doing. Through text, of course.

Here and there, he’d show me random acts of kindness: tell his driver to bring me home when it was raining and Manila was flooding, put a BandAid on a self-inflicted wound, occasionally saying hi to me when I arrived at the classroom. These were the things that kept me going. I knew the case was hopeless, but I hoped anyway. That turned out to be a very fatal mistake.

Come summer sem, the blockings got shuffled because there would be three sections, not two, for the stat lab classes. We became blockmates. And you know what happens when the climate’s hot and the long overdue summer vacation doesn’t happen because there are required classes: the students get antsy and find ways to let off the heat.

Which was what happened.

We became quite physical (not the fights kind) in his condo unit, which partly started because we wanted to go somewhere cooler that certain day, and his unit has AC.

The friends-with-benefits  thing was the last straw. I don’t like being in that kind of situation, and I just felt used and trapped. I don’t mind having a little bit of fun, just as long as it is within my bounds of morality and I’m free to go whenever I pleased, which I couldn’t do, in this case, because we were becoming close friends (his friends didn’t know because he didn’t want them to know about us; he was very secretive of me, like I was something to be ashamed of).

To Darren: That was why I wanted it to end. I wanted for us to return to who we once were: batchmates and nothing more. But because you were a bubbling mess, I couldn’t do it.

Now look where we are now.

You tell me we could change the relationship we have, but we can’t, you see, because it is already there. Things already happened between us, and we can’t change that. we’ve changed, and trying to pretend like there’s nothing wrong is going to lead us to destruction. Yes, we’ll try to change, but it will always be there, and pretty soon we’ll go back to how things were because we’re used to having things like that.

I figured I could give him time and space this summer, but he just dropped a news bomb on me, something I couldn’t ignore, and now I’m stuck and hopeless as ever. I don’t know what to do. The news has hit him pretty bad (it’s about family affairs), and he’s too vulnerable and sad right now. I can’t leave him now; he says I’m all I have, and silly me for believing him, but now I am directly involved in this mess and I can’t get out. I can’t break free.

I also watched a movie earlier, That Awkward Moment When starring Zac Efron, among others, and one of the things the movie wanted to point out struck a nerve. “Whatever relationship you’re in, you should be there for the person.” Sigh. Whether we were just friends, or even classmates, and nothing more, he needed me right now, and I shouldn’t leave him, otherwise I’d become more of an asshole than I already am. I shouldn’t always think about myself, and think more of others, because they’re living and suffering and dying too, you know?

And because he needs me, I don’t know how to get out of this situation. I’m torn. And clueless, as ever.

May 17, 2014; 3:19 AM

Earlier (technically, yesterday afternoon), I was supposed to tell you I have to stop being friends with you, and I shouldn’t go out with you any more, and that I’m ending this twisted friendship we have to free us from the chains that bind us.

Clearly, that is not what happened, so here I am, ranting.

Again.

Being the sex-crazed animal you are, you got close to me (again), and just basically pushed your pulsating groin against me the whole time. Which shouldn’t be done by friends. Which shouldn’t have been done in the first place. Clearly, you are disillusioned.

Okay, now my excuses: first off, I only agreed to go to your condo unit (again) because I really did want to set things straight and do stuff there that would hopefully erase or just overwrite the things that have happened there in the past. I actually wanted to talk to you nang masinsinan, and break off clean, but your were horny as always and nothing went as plan.

Why can’t I refuse you? We both know what we’re doing is wrong, and it makes me sick whenever I remember you telling me I’m like your sister while you were pressing hour hardened dick against me. Which is downright right. Because really, unless you’re a sick psycho, why would you do that to your sister? Can you imagine doing that to your sister? No? Then what were you doing to me?

I try hard to remember my train of thought when I come up with logical reasons why we shouldn’t be friends anymore, but nothing ever sticks, and I’m not fast enough to record the words or my ideas. Quite disappointing.

And because I’m a self-harming jerk, I’ll try to come up with crappy excuses until I remember the viable ones to use in my defense of ending this relationship.

-my negative self-image (every time you look at me up close, I look away)

-every time you tease me about being fat, short, small, or even calling me cute decimates my already almost nonexistent self-esteem

-I’m broken. I get low test scores because my mind is always wandering. My mind is wandering because I want it to. For years I’ve wanted to get away, run away, escape, but I never had the guts to. My reality has never been a fairytale story, and there are more dips than rising-ups, and more bad than good. If I concentrate too much, I’m afraid the real world will overwhelm me, and I will crumble down in no time. This is my way of coping, so here I still am. I am not happy with my life right now, and I am not happy with how my lofe turned out to be, and in case I spiral down further into oblivion, I wouldn’t want to drag you down with me.

-I’m afraid that if I continue being friends with you, I’ll suck out the remaining happiness you keep within. You’ll learn to absorb my self-negativity, and I don’t want you any sadder than you already are. If I remain with you, I would influence you, and that influence will never be good. This is for your own preservation.

-also, my mind is filled with filthy thoughts, ugly things you won’t want to know. It is filled with hatred and negativity. I would never want you to experience that. I would never wish my life, or mind, or heart on anyone, because that would be such a misfortune. My mind runs away from me, because I am disgusting and nasty, and I am filled with nothing beautiful. Darkness and dirt reek from me, and I dissipate whatever light that tries to reach out to me. I don’t want you to be in such a dirty and dark place.

-I live in a world of my own. It is dysfunctional and fragile, like myself. Maybe you won’t be able to handle it. Maybe we’re just different people and we can’t fit in each other’s lives. And okay, I admit, you might really not care. Bottomline is, maybe you’d be better without me. You’d be happier. And though personally I don’t really like you, I’ve got enough heart to yearn for others to be happy, if I can never get the happiness for myself.

 

 

A few more days, and I’d finally be free. I could finally break free from you.

 

In the meantime, I’ll enjoy what we have as of the moment because really, an aircon is hella good given our country and time of the year.

 

I just want to break this cycle of using and being used (which is scientifically proven so you can’t tell me everything I say is rubbish). People are brats, us included, and all we do is hurt each other and get hurt in return. You are a masochist, and you love getting hurt by her, and you rant to me all about it. It just sucks when I try to give you advice but you never follow it. You have never followed any advice of mine, and you wonder why you’re hurt like this. But it’s time to stop pointing fingers, because I’ve been doing it so evidently these past couple of days. She uses you, you use me, and I allow you to. I don’t know what I want from this relationship, and I don’t even know what I’m expecting to happen anymore, because everything has become so messed up and entangled with the messes of other problems and everything else that we just end up with this big rubber band ball of confusion and angst. I could go on and on about this not being my trait, and how this has been so uncharacteristic of me, but it all boils down to the fact that I have allowed and am continuing to allow you to use me. And if we are to change the world, we have to do something radical. So I’ll break the cycle.